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Dear Melk,
I have been alarmed by reports that hipster fashions are on
the out and that high-waisted trousers are making a comeback.
How am I supposed to show off my hipbones? They really are
my best asset, especially at this time of year when they're
still tanned. And don't even get me started on the crazies
who are trying to ban visible underwear. Guys love it when
they see a g-string cutting into those curves that spill over
my tight Bettinas. Surely I'm not out of touch on this issue?
Tina, Hampton
Dear Tina,
I'm pleased to inform you that the death of hipsters has been
greatly exaggerated. Feel free to flash your bony little hips
wherever you please. Just make sure you've got a Brazilian.
As for the g-string issue, keep those fires burning, girl!
I've been quite alarmed lately at the trend towards big ugly
undies. I was glad when they invented those ones that are
high cut in the back. Let the arse-cheeks hang free, that's
my philosophy. But nothing creates that alluring trussed ham
look quite like a thong.
Peace out,
The Melk.
Dear Melk,
Recently, at a reunion of my year 12 class at Scotch, I was
reprimanded by some friends for referring to a female acquaintance
as a 'ho'. The very next day, whilst enjoying a beverage at
the Imperial in Chapel St, I was further chastened when describing
my posse of lady friends as my 'bitches'. I am thoroughly
confused. All my musical heroes from Nelly to Chingy use these
terms affectionately, and none of my peers at Minter Ellison
seem to have an issue with my vocabulary. Why do the bitches
complain so?
Andrew, Prahran
Dear Andrew,
God, some people really don't get feminism.
It's all about respect. I respect my bitches, and you respect
yours. It's definitely not about whingeing "That's not very
nice!" all the time. Honey, they're probably just jealous
because you're a Southside fox with a platinum credit card.
If people are still breathing down your white collar, just
tell them not to hate the playa. Hate the game.
Peace out,
The Melk.
Dear Melk,
Can you help settle an argument I'm
having with my friend Loz? It's about our white pointy toe
kitten heels from Zomp. She says there are some places they
shouldn't be worn, like maybe to Highpoint or a job interview.
But I reckon they're the ultimate fashion accessory and can
be worn anywhere. What do you say?
Caitlin, Moonee Ponds
Dear Caitlin,
I've been wearing my white pointers for years now. They're
so versatile - you can team them with a sparkly top at night,
or with a velour tracksuit on the weekend. And any spills
just blend right in, if you know what I mean. I was thinking
about your question for ages, and I still can't come up with
an inappropriate situation to wear 'em. Tell Loz she loses
- these shoes are white gold.
Peace out,
The Melk.
Dear Melk,
Is it acceptable to wear my sunglasses
on my head after dark? They're Christian Dior and I haven't
got much wear out of them this summer.
Justin, Port Melbourne
Dear Justin,
Some people disapprove of nocturnal cranial sunglasses wearing
on the grounds that it makes you look like you just drove
back from Portsea. Personally, I'm down with it - especially
if the glasses in question are Dior. But the problem with
wearing sunnies on your head is that they mess up your hairstyle
and you get product all over the lenses. If you've got the
brow ridge for it (and let's face it, not enough guys do),
you could try wearing the sunnies on your forehead. That really
shows them off. I've also seen some particularly cutting-edge
fellas hanging them upside down under the chin. But personally,
I think you should play things bold and simple. Just wear
the fuckers, day and night. It'll lend you an air of mystery.
You can even fall asleep and people will just think you're
chillin'.
Peace out,
The Melk.
Dear Melk,
Is leopard print the new black?
Tanya, Melbourne
Dear Tanya,
Black is never going to go out of style, yo - it's a Melbourne
essential. Let's leave the slavish trend-following to those
vulgar Sydney types. That said, leopard print is so hot right
now. There's leopard-print underwear of course - you can't
go past that cat innuendo. But I also like to mix my fashion
references a little - for daytime, I combine an 80s-style
leopard-print t-shirt with some demure pearls and a houndstooth
miniskirt, or some leopard-print hotpants with a puffed-sleeve
blouse. But for those special occasions, you can't go past
a leopard-print lamé catsuit. Not many people look good in
those - maybe just Beyoncé and me.
Peace out,
The Melk.
Dear Melk,
I just don't get café staff in Melbourne - they smile at me,
but sometimes really early on Saturday and Sunday mornings
they look all surly like they don't want to be there. And
then they get my order wrong. I want a skinny mochaccino with
no chocolate on top, but it has chocolate when I get it! And,
once, the menu had penne matriciana and I wanted it with linguini,
but the waitress said they only had fettuccine! Isn't that
a bit unreasonable?
Bronwyn, Hawthorn
Dear Bronwyn,
I feel your pain, I really do. I mean, as any of my fans would
know, my favourite coffee is a decaf skinny soy latte, and
café staff get that wrong all the time. Sometimes they even
say they don't have soy milk. And sometimes they don't even
know who I am! Maybe if they did they'd take a bit more care
and look lively about getting it out to me - I want to see
it sitting on my table for at least ten minutes before it's
cool enough for me to touch! Your letter really got me thinking
about those artsy ne'er-do-wells who staff our cafés. I mean,
you have to pretend to be nice to them or they'll spit in
your coffee or something, but really - if they'd just gone
to a better private school or done Commerce instead of Creative
Arts, then they wouldn't be trapped in that dead-end job,
looking all scruffy and smeared with coffee grounds, while
hard workers like you and I pay their salaries that they probably
just spend on dope anyway. I didn't do Creative Arts at university
and I'm at the pinnacle of the Australian music industry.
Just goes to show, doesn't it.
Peace out,
The Melk.
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